Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Letter to Paul

Gosh, were you ever sweet. Sweet and funny and shy and outspoken and carefree all wrapped up in a cute packaging. And I didn't know what to do with you. You baffled me on a daily basis. I think it was mostly because you were not afraid to say what was on your mind. That baffled me. How is it possible that at 17 you knew how you felt? You were 17! You shouldn't have those emotions for another 10 years, if that.

At 19, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I certainly didn't know anything about feelings. I was 19. I felt fine. But love? How would I know what that's like at 19. Yes, I did believe I loved my boyfriend. Heck, I'd even planned the wedding and the 3.5 kids. But, that, that was easy. I thought I knew what I wanted at 19. Boy, did you ever mess that plan up.

I don't think I knew how a relationship was supposed to be until I met you. You were 'sincere' is the only word I can think to describe it. Sincere in your words, in your actions, in your non-words. You spoke volumes with your eyes without saying a word. You scared me. You scared me so much I ran. I ran to be with someone who I thought knew me. But no one knew me the way you did.

You knew me better than I did. It's only now, 20 years later, that I understand it. And now, I wish I could see you again to say thank you. Thank you for showing me how to love.

Call me.

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